Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
