if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
