alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
