Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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