dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
