Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I met the friendliest cop last night
I think I won the penis lottery.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
