ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
