Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
