is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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