ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
