the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
