I met the friendliest cop last night
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
