I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
