The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
