I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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