I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
