I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
