I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
