did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
