so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
