I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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