my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
