I need help removing her.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
