It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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