once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
