need another drink. this is the easiest way
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
