Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
