i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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