he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
