never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize