I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
