i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
