I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
