do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize