hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
