Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
