so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
