Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
