tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just blew my weed a kiss
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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