you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
