I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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