you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
