why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
