did you get engaged???
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
