Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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