I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
