I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
