I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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