Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
