I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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