We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
