bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
