I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
