I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
