grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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