I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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