i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you never un-have a 4some
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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