Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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