got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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