You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize