i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
