Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
