Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
