I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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