I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He passed out mid-signature
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
